you are my sweetest downfall

Allow me to ramble for a bit.

(I recommend you stop reading if you're looking for fancy, inspiring words. Sorry.)

So, relationships.

They're a pain in the ass.

Usually not while you're in them, of course and you believe in all the bull known as "love".

It's like thinking you can fly. You start of with a jog. Then as the excitement builds, a run. Eventually your dumb ass is at a full on sprint, just waiting and wanting to see the outcome. If you're unfortunate, you trip and never even make the leap. Just a fall on your face. A stab at your pride.

I've been fortunate enough to not trip.

Then you leap and fly and are caught up in this amazing euphoria known as "l-o-v-e". Everything is great. Everything makes you want to dance and spin around screaming in joy.

This is not reality. You're high.

It seems great but we're so caught up in the wonder of our leap and soar that we never even consider the fall.

The crash to the bottom. We just hope and assume we can fly forever. This is naivety.

For those of us less fortunate ones, we've experienced the crash.

It makes us less willing to leap again.

You're a little bruised and mangled from the last leap.

You get the opportunity to run again, but you run a little slower, less enthusiastically, more cautious of the jump.

You're not really sure you even want to.

It's understandable. I mean after you realize you're not going to be high forever, why do you want to risk the crash to the bottom? Especially after it's happened multiple times.

Freaking lucky people have found someone that will be there. Always. And will catch them.

I'm not talking about marriage. Marriage is as disposable as toilet paper these days.

Let's have a fancy ceremony with pretty attire and expensive decorations. Let's make a show instead of making a declaration to each other.

That's an entirely different subject.

Anyway...

I've yet to find someone to catch me and I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified of jumping. I always run too enthusiastically and jump with too much joy. The high is fantastic, the best I've ever felt in my life. Then I am promised I will be caught. And I'm not. I never am. It's almost like I've been shot down.

So I've come to this emotional block. I get excited, I jog, I run, I sprint.

Then I stop. As fast as I can once I get to the jump.

I don't want to do it.

I'm well aware of the euphoria, but I'm also well aware of the painful meeting with the ground.

And to me, flying really isn't worth the crash. I'm not really a "go for it and see what happens" person after a certain point. It's exhausting. I'm tired of running right now. I don't want the flirting, the physical part, the promises.

You can offer alluring words, but can you live up to them?